I created a venerable photographic series that intertwines black and white photographs as a representation of my present self/body with memorable childhood photographs. This creation served as a powerful outlet for me to articulate the profound shame that heavily influenced my formative years as a woman. The weight of familial expectations compelled me to suffocate my true essence, resulting in an extreme disconnection from my sexuality.
This series weaves together elements of my past and present. Anxiety, depression and shame, heavily influenced and took over my life. I was hyperaware of myself and my being at a young age. I was surrounded by negative opinions and reminders that never let me forget my role of being a young woman. My body learned to always be in a state of fight or flight. I became a severely anxious person and I developed an extreme fear of being seen. As I got older embracing my sexuality felt wrong, it felt wrong because those around me were disgusted by it. As I continued to physically grow, I felt more and more repulsive. I hated my reflection. I never felt or knew who I was. I could only hear and see the constant opinions of what other’s would say to me. I learned to survive by disguising myself according to my new environments. However I rejected myself in every possible way, because that’s what felt safe. Yet my body never felt safe, it was always up for discussion. It was blamed and it became my ‘fault’, my now new burden. I just so badly wanted to feel like a kid again. I wanted to live in the past. I could not fathom how I was still the same me but others could no longer see me. I was utterly alone. I could not bare the thought of being ‘seen’ because when I was I became the ‘problem’. I operated everyday to please everyone around me but myself. Throughout this intensely emotional and yet therapeutic process, I visually displayed my feelings of how I felt living as a burden. How I wanted to detach from myself.
Whilst living on my own I decided I no longer had to live in this endless shame cycle. I wanted to live and love myself to the fullest. I knew I was the only person who could help me. I had to learn to let go of everything that could and would no longer serve me. I needed to shift into the woman I always wanted to be. A woman who my younger self would be effortlessly proud of. I have come so far and I will always carry on for her. I have now embarked on my own journey to discover and love myself unconditionally.
Thank you for reading this, I am eternally grateful.
Maeve
